well apparently i yelled MY VAGINA WAS ANNIHILATED and his whole family heard
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
Our logic class started an hour ago, I walked out and found my sister drunk, sitting down, eating m&ms, afraid to walk in... I want her life
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
He? As in you personified your dick?
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
Randomize
