Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
The night was crazy enough that we did a workout. Instructed by the bouncer at 2am
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
Randomize