Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
well ya only live once...
that cant be your answer for every horrible thing you do
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
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