how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
