Pants 0. Shit 1.
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
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If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
Im not spending 10 to get hit on by potential transexuals even if they are cuter than most of the girls I dated.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
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Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
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