Most awkward thing ever: Meeting your BattleShits opponent post war.
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.
I think it's time we have the "weird fetish" talk.
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
he said we should drink responsibly and we all just kinda sat there laughing at him
He drives a tundra! Of course I fucked him. Im just saying eventually im going to need help moving and he has a nice truck. Its like thank you for later on
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
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