I'm sorry my penis didn't work
perhaps when you are drinking red wine from a tall glass with a straw it is time to call it a night.
Nothing on google about my condom issue. However, if you get a chance google: condom with teeth.
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
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