Just asked what her favorite part of a guys body is. She said ballsack. I'm in love.
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
I laid naked in his bed as he brought me an ice cream sandwich so I would say everything worked out great
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
Hhhaaa He said Peanutburter disinfect lol. Like peanut butter can disinfect stuff. None of those guys are safe
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