Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
So, I just sold my textbook to have money for Plan B.
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
What changed your mind?
Being sober
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
we told you you couldn't get your dick sucked because you were a girl and you yelled at us and said we were 'discriminating you'
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
Randomize
