I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
But he has cupcakes AND I'm guaranteed an orgasm. .. I feel like I shouldn't even have to actually make a decision here.
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
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