I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
someone get that fucking seahorse.
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
Anne is dead. totally passed out and was flat out in the street
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
Randomize
