take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
i don't care who i fucked last night, until im at 43plus im not considering myself slutty
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
The guy next to me on the bus has one hole in his jeans that has over 20 mini dicks drawn on his leg. Classic.
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
How was it?
Incredible. Everyone in the world should be having the kind of sex I've been having.
He should write a pamphlet or something...
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
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