How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
I just made a friends list on fb of all the guys ive hooked up with. genius.
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
Alas my dad DD'd me. Legit cock blocked to the highest degree
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
Randomize
