how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
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This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
I'm really glad that we can be casual hook up buddies. This is a true friendship. Now, please convince your roommate to do the same. Thanks.
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
He keeps singing a song about someone called the dayman.
....fighter of the Nightman?
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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