I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
I've already planned a drinking game for mtvs jersey shore....jagerbomb everytime they do
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
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