The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
NC is no longer selling 190 proof Everclear. We are officially no longer the greatest state.
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
Your the only person to come back from spring break with a non std related infection
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Randomize
