..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
its gotten to the point where if her hand isn't on my butt i think we're in a fight
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
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