I dont like him- his parents were home and he hid me in his closet like anne frank
I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
sunday morning discovery: something purple, smelly, and sticky my hair. any suggestions?
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
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