do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
All I remember is him trying to go down on me, but I guess I was too busy making out with his brother
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
to drive Frat boys away, one just needs to cat-call at them. It makes their masculinity weaker, and yours stronger.
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
