and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
Foreign porn with subtitles is a little disappointing.
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
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