she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
Bts the comment you were making during that picture was "look we have penises"
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
Just spent the morning washing Bailey's and Guiness out of my clothes -_-
Ewe he just snapped me a pic of his butt crack.. Should I be concerned?
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize
