Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
I get free beer too. Its called a vagina and its accepted everywhere like visa
well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
my mom took me to a gay bar and went on and on about all her good times at clubs... i now know where i get it
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
There way too many people in that club who have had their dick in me
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
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