I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
we hotboxed my bathroom. with nine people and two dogs.
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
last night we were hooking up when all the sudden he just murmured "mm blonde". i don't know what to think about this situation.
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
