$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
Actually, all he talks about is how great the sex is with her and how crappy you were at it. Stop being a bitch and gossiping masking it as self-righteousness.
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
Dramatic love triangle! I guess mystery Asian and I will just have to fight it out for your love.
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
I was just hoping for a dick worthy of his established age.
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
I had sex in an engineering office last night. So that could be your life. I was mounted on top of a sketch of a future parking lot for a maintenance building. If that's not romantic, idk what is
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
Randomize
