I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
Apparently throwing up on his dick didnt convince him to stay away . . . whats the most indirect way of saying "im just going to continue avoiding you"?
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
Trust me. I don't get home before 5am. I know what Immmm doing. BTW bail money is in my closet. PEACE
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
jake and the teradactyl broke up, operation get high and find him a new girl who hasn't had sexual experiences with three delts simultaniously is in full effect.
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
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