My friends, they love my intelligence
When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
so does the 200 for rent and 150 for utilities include the never telling my boyfriend about the guys i bring home.. or is that extra?
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
It's fine...I've done worse things to better people.
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
Randomize
