thought so. i woke up and he was playing with my eyeliner. I MAKE GREAT CHOICES.
I wish they made helmets for livers.
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
if we break up, blackout me is coming back, making out with everything in sight
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
Last thing I remember was you straddling a guy in a wheelchair on the dance floor.
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
Randomize
