I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
No. I was horrified and confused as to why you thought scrambled eggs and cottage cheese was a good mix
I actually had no interest in him until he started talking about his 4 arrests. That made him go from a 5 1/2 to a 8, easily.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
I don't know what you're talking about but its dick galore in the tub. We will be getting poked tonight. Bring forks.
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
Randomize
