Just crossed the line with my beat friends girl twinsie. Didn't realize tillz afta how much the look alike and an thougholy creeped out. Thanks ciroc
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
It's very clear that i'm the girl sweating out four lokos at 2 in the afternoon at the gym
I managed to lose everything but my socks.. which stayed on all 6 times we had sex.
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
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