I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
And then my night got REAL pukey
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
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