Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
Those thigh tattoos deserve the handsomest of grins between them. Dont settle.
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
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