Come home. Power Hour by yourself is only fun for the first 10 minutes.
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
It's safe to say that our attempt at trying to fuck in the grand Sierra elevator was a bad idea.
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
if by "adventure" you actually mean "getting ridiculously high and shaving our legs," then yes.
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
So apparently I’m into choking now
Randomize
