I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
There are rocks in my bed. And dirt all over my face. Explain?
At orientation, some girl is asking, loudly, where she can get weed. Everyone looks discussed but are paying very close attention to people's answers.
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
Randomize
