youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
He had an extremely smooth butt for a man with such rough hands.
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
It's shark week go big or go home
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
Randomize
