The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
i dont care that its taken 20 hrs to pee without hurting, BEST HATE SEX EVER.
found out the liquor store price matches. thus begins senior year of college
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
We are getting high tomorrow and being statues at the cafeteria. Come find us.
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
well one of us has to be wrong and it's not going to be me
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
The convent might be a nice break from real life
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
We got high, had sex, and watched retro scooby doo shows. Best friends with benefits yet.
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