oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
Now that it's over, I can finally say it and not feel bad,dude. Her mustache is better than yours.
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
