So I'm sober and underage, being hit on by a groom-to-be with braces...is it a bad thing that I'm enjoying it?
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
The night ended with a lot of tears and everyone singing along to Willenium
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
Randomize
