I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
Randomize
