Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
it's not the walk of shame if you do it in cowboy boots.
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
Randomize
