i hope chris hansen doesn't have a boat
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
We have a drunken confused pantless man in our apt. Boots.
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
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I just puked my brains out on the side of the road (see picture) And I took a picture for our scrapbook! I am always thinking! =) tell me your proud?!
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
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It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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