At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
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