call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
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