I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
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