I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
Chick took off her bra in the middle of class cuz it was "too hot." How's going out of state feel now?
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
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