I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
I don't care if it's 2 inches or 20 I mean dick is dick
is that a dick in a sweater?
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
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