gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
It's totally ok to sleep with him. The only place I have feelings for him is in my vagina.
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
He seems like a super lonely dude. I bet if I gave him a picture of my tits he wouldn't make me turn in this paper.
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
I've seen your dick too many times for both of us to be straight.
might I remind you I fucked a 21 year old and almost did coke with strangers? you definitely came out on top
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