I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
Just saw a couple chasing each other on lawn mowers. Oh South Knoxville.
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
I collect Covid conspiracy theories like I collect Pokemon.
Randomize
