Nothing gets me like the O.C. theme song does.
Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
I just debated creating a mirror system so I could play Batman while in the bathroom. I think I need help.
I already knew that. But I also don't agree with stifling creativity.
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
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