I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
She literally thanked me for asking before I put in her ass
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
White girls? They're everywhere. In packs. Drunk white girl packs.
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
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