We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
Apparently, there is a horrible ghonorrea out break at our school. Woo! What a way for Loyola to welcome us back.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
And after that you guys started calling arbor mist "breakfast juice"
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
What good is being a girl if you can't terrorize boys with pregnancy scares??
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
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