hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
Randomize
