I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
It's summer and yet I still can't have one library session w/o seeing someone who has had their penis in me.
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
We helped him hit the bowl to the point that he didn't even have to move
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
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