I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
ohhhh fuckk. chicks a dude.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
exactly. I want him to have to live with the fact that he fucked me. I want him to look me in the eye and say "you were a drunken mistake".
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
Randomize
