I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
Is it awkward that I've slept with every guy in this room?
Only if they know about it too.
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
I'm not sure, but I think she had a tampon in when we fucked
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
I just walked in on her masturbating to a social anxiety video...
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
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